Could it really happen? An opportunity to return to Africa? The thought is too much to comprehend most of the time. Even though nothing is for sure, dates have not been confirmed, plane tickets and visas have not been purchased, but the possibility is there. Really there.
There is a long and involved story behind all of this, one that is too complicated for the world of blogging. However, the passion for Africa is alive and well within me and resides in a sacred and protected corner of my soul. Even more profound is the experience of being on the magnificent African continent. The journey to Africa is long, tiresome and not for the timid traveler. But the exhiliration of landing on African soil is beyond words. Africa is a desperate and hopeless place though. It is a place of extreme poverty, injustice, suffering and at times, unspeakable atrocities. Yet this place resonates with me.
Walking into the compound living quarters in a village only accessible by plane, just south of the Darfur region, where just a few years ago massive air attacks were carried out and thousands of innocent men, women and children were savagely murdered, actually feels like home. There are no phone lines, no running water, electricity is produced by solar panels on top of the huts, and the Sudanese people can be heard singing and drumming in the distance as the sun sets. Water is carried in buckets from the river, children die from diarrhea, men herd cattle, there is no school, no grocery store, no written language. And this is where I long to return. To bring help and hope, relief from suffering, acknowledgement of trauma, nutrition to a starving child, immunizations to prevent disease, and maybe even deliver a baby.
http://www.sudanproject.org/
-a warm, welcoming place
-not having to ring the doorbell
-able to curl up on the couch in comfy clothes
-reading a book by the fireplace
-conversation about the events from the week or difficult subjects
-watching the Olympics
-knowing where the water glasses are
-laughing
-crying
-being real
-playing games
-experiencing true acceptance
-feeling valued
-having popcorn and ice cream for dinner on a Sunday night
I'm overflowing with gratitude after experiencing all these things. Sunday nights are worth more than a million dollars to me. I couldn't ask for more. I am so blessed.
Home is the one place in all this world where hearts are sure of each other. It is the place of confidence. It is the place where we tear off that mask of guarded and suspicious coldness which the world forces us to wear in self-defense, and where we pour out the unreserved communications of full and confiding hearts. It is the spot where expressions of tenderness gush out without any sensation of awkwardness and without any dread of ridicule.
~Frederick W. Robertson
*To shine brightly requires burning*
I read this quote as I left the house of a 42 year old patient with cancer. He has a wife, six young children, a degree in engineering. He is a brilliant man, truly in relationship with something greater than himself. But he is not ready to die. He can only lay on his abdomen in the electric hospital bed due to tumor growth. Weakness and pain prevent him from standing. His bed is positioned so he can look out the window, watching life continue around him as his own slips away. Cards, photos, inspirational verses and crayon artwork surround him. His younger children play outside while the older ones help with chores and do homework.
He is too tired today for a bath. Just moving from side to side in bed is exhausting. I remove the compression stockings from his pale thin legs. Legs that once ran and climbed stairs no longer bear weight. I wash his feet and massage them with lotion. I think of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. I wonder who was more humbled? I am the humbled one now.
I review his medications, spend time listening to his wife and affirm the care she provides, encourage the family to call the hospice 24hr # if any needs arise and plan to visit again later in the week. As I walk to my car the man's two youngest children follow me. A girl and a boy, maybe four and five years old. They wave to me and say "thank you for coming to see my daddy today."
I drive away from their home with tears in my eyes, my heart is touched. I am completely drained, unsure if I can make it home, dreading the paperwork that needs to be completed. But more so I am thankful. Thankful for my health, thankful for the ability to walk, thankful for fresh air and sunshine. Thankful for the children's words. Now I know why I got out of bed today. I am so blessed to have this job.
"As long as people have been on this earth, the moon has been a mystery to us. Think about it. She is strong enough to pull the oceans, and when she dies away, she always comes back again. My mama used to tell me Our Lady lived on the moon and that I should dance when her face was bright and hibernate when it was dark."
— Sue Monk Kidd
It's Tuesday. That means I must drive past your road to get to a patient's home. I didn't think about it until I was about a mile away. Then I started to cry. I thought about how different I would feel if I was on my way over to visit you, the excitement and contentment in just being able to see you, hold you. A visit would be the highlight of my day. I think about our family a lot on these snowy days. I think we would probably spend the day together. I miss those times.
Sometimes I'm afraid that I am forgetting you. Actually, I guess I can't forget what I never saw or experienced. It's not like when Nana died and I forgot the sound of her voice or her smell. With you, it feels even worse. You haven't stopped living. You are constantly learning and growing. I will never know what you are like today, on your 13 month birthday. Your Mommy and Daddy, Oma and Opa, even the day care people are part of your everyday life and get to see you change and grow. I would love so much to be one of them. I hope they know how lucky they are. I hope they cherish every single moment. I love you, little one. xoxo Auntie Carli
I wonder if you have played in the snow yet? What do you think of it? Does the coldness scare you or do you like to touch it, experience it? Do the puppies play with you and run all around? I wish I could be there with you, to play, learn, enjoy.
Are you walking yet? I think you probably are. The last time I saw you you were standing up so tall at the furniture and even taking a few steps while holding on. I bet you're really on the move now.
I wonder what your little voice sounds like. You probably know a few words by now. I wish you knew my name. I'm not sure you ever will. I will always know your name though, dear one. I was there the day you were born, the first family member to arrive at the hospital, so eager to meet you. Waiting and waiting, pacing, wondering. I tried to capture so many moments from behind the camera lense. I wanted to record all of it, from the day you took your first breath, until forever. I'm not allowed to do that now, after just 10 short months in your life. My goodness little boy, you taught me so much and helped me experience so many things for the first time. Your absence is profoundly painful. I think of you everyday. Know that you are loved, even if you don't know my name.
xxoo Auntie Carli
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love - for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
- Max Ehrmann
